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The difficulty of getting out of bed, Spoof Problem Sheets! February 1, 2006

Posted by boltzmann in Uncategorized.

It’s hard enough getting out of bed in the winter, let alone when you haven’t slept due to no less than three incoming text messages in the night. So when this happened to me this morning, I decided to have another hour of sleep, in order to miss a tutorial-lecture, the work for which I had done. Then I thought, I don’t need to be present int he seocnd hour of the day either, so I’ll stay in bed for another half an hour after that. So I did, but when I awoke, it had actually been a full three more hours and it was then too late to get to university for the third hour – a lecture in quantum physics.

Still, never mind, I did some statistical mechanics at home instead. And it is with this comment that I segue into showing you my creative masterpiece of last week. Physicists, scientists and mathematicians alike will love:

the Statistical Mechanics Spoof Problem Sheet 1! Please do not attempt to answer any of the questions!!!

Click “read more” for the problem sheet. Next week I will post the second Spoof Problem Sheet.


1. Johnny has a bag. In the bag, there are eight balls. 3 of Johnny’s balls are red. 4 of Johnny’s balls are blue. Prove the binomial theorem.

2. There are 4 books on a shelf. Two books are large; four are not. Three of the books are leather-bound. Considering the case of two books modelled as point particles and three modelled as Point Horror, calculate v given that (q – m) books are brown.

3. A bookshop has 5 different desks. Upon each desk is sat a large, ginger cat. Four of the cats are selected at random and rotated in the xy-plane. Calculate the angular probability p.

4. Thirty students enter a lecture theatre. There are now 9 students in a class of 15 students. Four of the five students fall asleep immediately. Or do they?

5. A student must answer more than three thousand questions. (a) How many questions are there? (b) What is m ? (c) A book is chosen at random, and crosschecked with its corresponding cat. What is m now?

6. An integer is chosen at random between 0 and 1. (a) What is it? (b) Find the number of permutations as x tends to 0.

7. A man starts out from a lamppost in the middle of Charing Cross Road. He takes n steps to the right and (18 – n – 3 – 4 + 3 – 2 ) 2 steps at an angle of 14o below the horizontal. He retracts his landing gear and sets 30o flap. He unfurls his umbrella with velocity v, displacement p and common gravitational convulsive obstruction coefficient m0.

(a) Find the probability of King’s Cross being in knip when entering Euston from the left, immediately preceding a Holborn paradox.

(b) Discuss the social, moral and ethical implications of the Taylor expansion, regarding the consequences of the man’s initial steps at Charing Cross.

8. The magnetic spin of half a momentary spinning magnetic spin magnet is such that its up-component in the up direction corresponds relatively to its down-up spin-down component in the up-down parallel up-spin dimension. It has probability rp.

(a) Calculate the magnet’s spin-magnetism ferrous spin coefficient abcdef.
(b) Calculate the pronunciation, in French, of the word “magnet”. Relate it to spin using L’Hopital’s Rule.

9. “You may choose the way you live, my friend, but not the way you die”.

(a) What is the relevance of this theorem to question 7?
(b) Sarah has four apples and Henry has three. Robert has two less than he ought to have. Partario has one small apple and 8 other small apples. By some freak of nature, Hayley has more than seven hundred thousand. Derive the equations of motion.

10. Consider a student. Assume the student to be yourself (for purposes of simple divisive binary occlusion).
(a) Answer none of the questions on this problem sheet.



1. Martin - February 2, 2006

Hehehe- I like it. Also, first comment- w00t!

This reminds me of a test I once took, with an optional extra question.

Question 99a) Are you female?
b) If yes, do you have attractive physical features?
c) If yes, are you free on saturday night?

I have a feeling question 12 on this paper was “There is a red phone on your desk. Start a nuclear war.”

Yay for spoof tests.

2. boltzmann - February 2, 2006

Fantastic! I would love to have a copy of any spoof tests or problem sheets that anyone has seen or made. They are truly splendid.

3. kate of the yay - February 4, 2006

i’m fairly sure i had one of those on one of my exams.

“in my right hand, i have a gas in unknown quantities, however it is in a box of dimensions (4d+3x, 7p, 2789(x^3)+pie). Derive the principals of Lagrangian mechanics quoting as many pointless equations as you want.”

i’m afraid my answer to that was generally “vodka and orange, please”

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